I’m told the Universe is expanding. And accelerating.
How they know that is quite intriguing. And who the hell are “They”? That’s pretty intriguing, too.
But I lose my focus.
Here’s the deal. It’s time for a serious invention. Something that will really help me sleep at night. Or, for that matter, whenever I choose to sleep. (Whining passengers, you’ve been forewarned.)
I want a gizmo with an arrow that points in the direction of the Big Bang. Well, actually, TWO arrows. I would like one that also points in the direction that my planet is subsequently headed in the Universe. (I’d prefer if it could be made out of shiny brass and colored glass, with lots of gears and knobs, too.)
Anyway, just two arrows that say: “We came from that-away!”, and “We’re headed over there!” No big deal.
If the Universe is expanding, and I have no reason to believe that’s not true, since everything else in my experience (waistline, debt, etc.) is also expanding, I want to know where we’re going.
That’s not too much to ask, is it?
Look, I’ve never been to the moon, but I believe Neil Armstrong left some big, footy prints up there. I’ve never actually seen gravity, or twiddled it in my piddies, but I’ve seen what it does. My point is, I tend to believe what scientists say about science things. (My attitude is a skosh more jaundiced and skeptical when they start saying stuff about non-science things, like religion or philosophy, but I feel the same way about theologians and philosophers, when they start blabbing about science, so it all balances out.)
Where was I?
No matter. I believe all those astrophysicist types when they attempt to explain that something long ago and far away went boom, (I actually prefer things to go boom instead of bang, for bang things tend to hurt my ears), but anyway, as I understand things, it went really BIG boom, and since it happened in space, does that mean it was a silent boom? And now that I think about it, if that was the case — and it makes perfectly good sense that it was — I wouldn’t mind it being a bang. Regardless . . . boom or bang . . . it was quite large, long ago and far away.
But I would just like to know in which direction did it happen, please?
Now I’m not so distanced from basic understanding to know that it’s going to take more than an arrow on a stick to point the way to things. First, I need an arrow that points in the direction of the Big Bang. (I do understand that the arrow pointing to the Big Beginning will constantly move and change and stuff like that, since Mother Earth is constantly moving.)
Come to think of it, everything around us is also in constant motion. Our planet is rotating about its own axis, and it’s rotating about the star at the center of our solar system, and our solar system is traipsing about the Milky Way, which is, of course, meandering across space looking for someplace to call home.
Wow. I think I need more arrows.
Think about it. How about one arrow that points at the sun. (Yes, I know you can tell where it is, but that’s only during the day, duh.) And another arrow aimed at the center of our galaxy. Pretty nifty, huh? Then another that points at . . . wait a minute . . . why do I suspect our galaxy is part of some other conglomeration of galaxies that’s twirling around a center? (It’s just a hunch, but if it’s true, then we need an arrow for that, too.)
It should go without saying, we need the really big arrow to point back at where it all started. And look, folks, if things are expanding AND accelerating as the people who should know say they know, I for one don’t think we have any time to spare. I mean, we’re not getting any closer to Home Base now, are we? I think we need the Big Bang/Boom Arrow pretty ricky-tick, before everything accelerates out of sight.
So, time’s a wastin’.
And when you’re finished with that particular batch of arrows, I just came up with another idea. How about a set of arrows that point to all those really big asteroids wandering around out there?
You know the ones. (Folks in Russia know them by their first names.) Big and nasty, and every one of ’em has a bad attitude. If we get clobbered by one of those, we just might get accelerated so fast, we’ll go zooming past the edge of the expanding universe.
And if that should happen, don’t forget to wave.
